So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
