ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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