he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
