I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
