i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
