I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
