plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
