Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
