my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
