I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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