i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize