I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need to stop coming to work sober
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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