Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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