He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
