it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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