Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
