I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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