I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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