Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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