That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
