Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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