my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My ATM looks so different sober.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
