last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
