Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
