having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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