He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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