I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
