I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
