Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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