Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
