what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
BRING THE BAGELS
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
