out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize