True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
either way he was missing a nipple.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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