so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
