I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
