i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
