Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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