PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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