Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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