I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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