My cat gives me a boner
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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