You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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