Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
