I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize