final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
