idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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