i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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