the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Barsexuality is the new black.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
