why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
