Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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