if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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