I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
