Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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