Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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