I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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