Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize