I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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