I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
