I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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