she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Even my vagina gasped.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
