Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can I color on your dick again?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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