I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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